During the month of December I refer to my brain as The Grinch. I want to love this time of year but my head won’t let me. The Grinch takes over.
At first it was the struggle of having 4 children, next to no money and an unhappy marriage. Then becoming a single Mum and trying to juggle the bills and provide what was on the Letter to Santa was incredibly hard. But the hardest thing of all was having to learn how to live through Christmas without my lovely Mum.
My brain turns most special occasions into a mess of emotion and turmoil. Christmas is a time for family. My family ‘bauble’ shattered the day Mum died and now its difficult to get in the spirit at all.
“Blast this Christmas music, it’s joyful and triumphant!”
I want to be happy and enjoy the time with my kids but at the same time I want to curl up under my duvet with a bottle of vodka and drink myself into tinsel decked oblivion.
Fortunately my kids are in their late teens and early twenties and understand that I just don’t ‘feel it’ anymore. They all do their own thing on the day, we all sit together for our Christmas Dinner and then afterwards we may play a few board games.
This will be the third year without Mum. I shall visit her resting place on Christmas morning and have a little chat. Then I will hope she will sit in the background watching me attempt to enjoy the day. She is with me still, I just can’t see her or cuddle her. My God I wish I could cuddle her.
So The Grinch will steal my Christmas again this year.
Please don’t let him steal yours…